Remedy: consumers should immediately stop using common sense, stop opening and closing drawers, stop wearing the clean clothes contained in any such drawers and immediately call the proper authorities to send a hazmat abatement team to seal the dresser in airtight and glass chip-proof plastic and remove the offending knob, dresser and contaminated clothing inside to store in a proper facility until such time room can be made in a nuclear waste landfill where it can be properly dispose of. The consumer will be responsible for the cost of procuring and maintaining all necessary permits, logs and records and shall maintain all such records in triplicate until such time as statutes and regulations require. Penalties for failing to maintain records will be no less than 5 years imprisonment and $500,000 per day. The authorities may, at their discretion, raid your home (no knock) to ensure proper record keeping.

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Losing fingers since 1969