Not being a bowler, I'll restrict my comments to your foliage.

My garden weeds are like your cacti,

have wooden over so I need a chainsaw to cut them down.  Asked SWMBO (who is a gardener), "What type of tree that was?"... "It's a weed that has wooded over you idiot!"

If your first cut is too short... Take the second cut from the longer end... LBD